I just feel more mad now than I was last night because of the conversation I had with my friend. I was feeling positive about her situation when she first told me about her problem. I guess I felt happy because she is finally being given proof why she should commit to change. I mean c'mon I have been hearing the same excuses from a similar problem. While the said problem is not the only reason why this other problem emerged, it is ultimately how she handles it and what she does about it that led to this other problem.
Countless times, we have been told that to be a good friend you have to be there for your friend and listen to her. However, as a friend and being the person that you are it is extremely difficult if not impossible to just sit there and say nothing especially when you are upset about the situation and her attitude towards it.
That is why towards the end of the conversation, I just said I'm sorry but I am not the right person to talk to because I cannot conceal my reaction towards it. I cannot give her the type of friendship she needs at that moment because I am who I am also and given a certain situation I respond in a different way compared to how other people will respond to it. That is why most of the time, we choose who among our friends to talk to given a situation. We don't rely on a certain person to give this certain reaction or do this certain gesture because that is not innate to that person.
I have been in similar situations where I was the one who needed to vent out and I wanted someone to just listen. In fact, the situations were reversed between the two of us a few years ago and our roles were also in reverse. She couldn't just shut up and feign a different reaction to what I was saying because she is who is and she is my friend. I mean what kind of a friend just nods in a corner and says nothing.
Maybe the truth of the matter is, we want friends to be shock absorbers given some situations. This is something I only thought of right now. I am guilty of this as well, I also turn to selected friends if I wanted a shock absorber and I turn to a different set of friends when I need to be positive and motivated. In some cases, we can be good shock absorbers too but you know sometimes it just depends on the situation being presented to us, how we feel about it, and how we feel about our own lives in that particular moment.
At this point, maybe I am not a good friend to turn to for these things. Yes, a number of times this particular friend has been a shock absorber to me as well. However, there were also times when instead of being absorber she adopted a different attitude about the situation and chose to speak up about it. Most of the time, when friends chose to speak up about it they don't necessarily turn into bad shock absorbers either. They are just being who they are and as friends they need to say certain things.
Then there are times like last night when I could not control my own emotions and my own reactions about what she said. I am leaving soon, and after a number of years I still hear the same attitude and her same attack to the problem. I even know what will be next, I know how the next conversation will be like as well. I almost memorized how she will justify certain things and why there are things that won't be done because she does such a good job convincing herself that that is what she needs to do at the moment and even if she tells you that she knows what you are talking about, the truth is she really doesn't give a damn because in her mind and in heart of hearts she has made up her mind on what she will do and on how she chooses to feel about it.
I mean hello, how can you not be upset as a friend? It is the same equivalent of shutting someone out, and I would know because I have done that several times as well.
If my friend gets more mad at me for my reaction then I will take it because I know that I feel this way because I care. Sadly, I cannot give her what she think she needs at this point and at times I wonder who else can give that to her but herself. It is also for the same reason why she chooses to distance herself from people when it reaches a certain level.
I understand how and why she is feeling this way. It is just upsetting because maybe subconsciously I have been waiting for something different this time. I only have a couple of days left and for a number of years I have also been waiting for her to do the right thing. I know it's hard and it is not that easy and it is a process blah blah blah. Even this flow of conversation I have heard countless times before.
Maybe just maybe for a change I was hoping to see a fighter, or the makings of one. I am happy though because life itself has given her an ultimatum, no more excuses this time and there really is not much time. It is either she turns her life around or not, she can whine about it and all but good thing this time she doesn't have the option to not do it because let's face it, if she did have that option she would have taken it right away.
Let us remind ourselves that we are foolish to think that by doing the same things that we can produce different results.
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